The
Curse of MMOsThe
Curse of MMOs
Introduction
I know what some of you are thinking: What is an MMORPG*?
Well, aside from the sound a choking cow makes, it is a piece of software
created by game companies to get you to pay 20 times the price of a game for the
pleasure of playing it with 14 year olds all around the world. But of course
their primary function is to waste much, much of your time.
In order to play MMOs, you have to meet certain
requirements, usually outlined in the TOS (Terms of Service). Here are just a
few of the many many rules that you'll bypass when you hit the "I Accept" button
in the 1834 game Ultima Online:
1) You must have the vocabulary/mental coherence of a
12-14 year old male.
2) Under no circumstances are you to help a new person
learn how to play the game. You may only play the game after you are an expert.
3) The player must not know how to type or have a
third grade understanding of the English language.
4) Your soul now belongs to [INSERT GAME COMPANY HERE]
For your mere 10-15 dollars a month you will get to play a
pretend character in a made up world who has a more interesting life than you
ever will. You'll get to be a wizard, a warrior, a super hero, a Naked Dancing
Guy, or some other badass that we all wish we could be. Also, you'll get the
euphoria of how cool it is to be said character, which will last until you
realize that everyone else in the world is just as powerful, if not more
powerful, than you.
In order to help you (and that's what I'm here to do: help
you), I've devised a rating system that will make sense out of what to
expect from any MMO.
AC: Asshole Content. This is a ratio of cool
people to assholes walking around in the game. Given as a percentage that I make
up.
LLA: Lack of Literary Ability.
This is a ratio of the number of people that couldn't even type a coherent word
if they were spelling their name.
LSR: Loser. This is how much
of a loser you would have to be in order to level your character up to a point that
they might be interesting enough to show your cat. These are ranked by
type of loser from "Geek" to "Hardcore Loser" and all the
way up to "Farscape Fan"
Also, I'll mention what kind of character I played, but for
the record I was usually Naked Dancing Guy.
*technically MMO or MMO-RPG stands for (Massively Multiplayer Online Roll
Playing Game). The name MMORPG was decided by T-SOP-WUAFFE (The Society Of
People Who Use Acronyms For Fucking Everything). Some of the societies other
accomplishments include: IMHO, ESRB, and TTYL. To which I can only respond: FU.