Fat Declared Not a Four Letter Word
Fat Declared Not a Four Letter Word
Fifth Graders everywhere respond with "Duh"
On Aug. 11, 2004 Fat was officially declared not a four
letter word by a group of fat people trying to look like inflated Power Rangers.
No really, they all stood in a circle, held their arms out and did a stance
normally reserved for people with varying utensils in their butts, and changed
the minds of (at last count) absolutely no one.
There were marches (no more than a couple of blocks, for obvious reasons), and speeches, which either due to poor sound quality of my 20 dollar TV, or the the Jr. Whopper with cheese stuffed into their mouths, sounded a bit like a weed eater mulching a sack of poop. Which if you haven't heard a weed eater mulching a sack of poop, I'd advise against it. In any case I couldn't tell what they were saying.
Paula Campos, a leading NAAFA (which stands for: something something something FAT something) supporter, and three time hotdog eating champ, declared "A very significant portion of the population is going to be quite a bit heavier than the government guidelines tell everybody what they're supposed to be," says Campos. "There's nothing you can do about that. It makes as much sense to say that everybody should be thin as saying everybody should be tall... What??!! Free Doughnuts?!?!". After which, Campos took off tackling a nearby policeman who was handing out free doughnuts to children.*
Okay Campos, (who, despite rumor is NOT part of the Marx brothers) eating at McDonald's wont make me tall. Last I checked Awesom'z HeightGain™©♣® is not a staple addition to the McDonalds menu, however, fat is. And luckily, my parents gave me the option of not having my memory gland removed, so I could remember back to all the times that I went to McDonalds, and all the fat fucks that I saw day after day.
I decided to ask a professional, so I contacted my friend Marcus, who has been working at McDonalds for about three weeks. "See it's really a code word when you say you want your meal "Large". We, the United Coalition of McDonald's Workers and Occasional Superheroes, know when you say "Large", you really mean, "Hey, I need as much fat as I can fit into my mouth on my lunch break", and so we add an extra layer of Lard (see the resemblance?) to your food. Its on your ticket, but you've never bothered to look at it have you? That's the reason we got rid of Supersize; we couldn't keep up with demand."
The fact of the matter is that fat isn't going to be considered sexy by the majority of people with any social graces whatsoever any time soon, or possibly ever. Fabio, Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp, or that guy from GC isn't going to sleep with you... ever... you big fatty.
* The policeman was unhurt, however the doughnuts suffered serious
casualties. I wanted to give a visual representation of the plight of the poor
destroyed doughnuts, so I searched Google for "smash doughnut" and got
this picture. Sorry, best I could do, Google can't be
relied on for quality pastry destruction photos.