3° World News Later

                       We do lots of weird shit

    Artists do lots of weird shit. Like cut off parts of their bodies that they're probably better off leaving in tact, trying to talk to plants and living in the middle of fucking nowhere. Its become almost a requirement for anyone to be a true artist they have to have a lifestyle that could possibly be confused for a serial killer's To-Do list. When was the last time that you heard of a great artist who watched Monday night football, had 2.5 children (2 full children and a paraplegic), and thought that animals were put on earth to be eaten. Never. So it comes as no surprise that some idiot who wanted to be considered a true artist would need to do something really really dumb to even be considered for the position.
 

Lost Keys, Need Hacksaw

    Trevor Corneliusien (don't even bother trying to pronounce his last name) decided that he was not only going to do the old "live in the middle of fucking nowhere" by going all the way out in the desert, but he was going to one up that and bind himself in chains so he could "get a realistic depiction of chains on someone's legs". And the kicker: Trev forgot his keys to unlock the chains placing him 12 hours of hopping from the nearest bolt cutters. Next Up: The guy who went killer whale hunting with an unloaded pellet gun.

    First of all, why the middle of the desert? Surely chains look the same in an air-conditioned room next to a phone with the Locksmith on speed dial as they do 25 miles from civilization. I've never been a location scout for an artists rendering of differing forms of S&M gear, but I'd have to say I'd have picked a place closer to a hardware store. The only thing I can hope for is that Trev knows something that I don't. Maybe it was the lighting.

    Ignoring that it would be easier for Trevor to just buy some cat litter and play bondage with himself on the roof, why even bother? It seems he could hire someone to put on some chains for him. If not that then maybe he could use Google. I mean if I go and image search for "Legs in Bondage" right now I get... okay scratch that. You did the right thing Trev. Don't do a Google search.

 [Click Here for the Google Search]

Go ahead. Do it.

    Though it seems to be worth it all in the end. According to the Sheriff who helped Trevor out of this mess, said that "it was a pretty good picture of a man with his legs bound". It damn well better of been. If you had pranced like a rabbit twelve hours through the desert and all you had to show for it was a painting that resembled the Enterprise being attacked by Phlegm, then by law you'd have to shoot yourself.

Dumb vs. Dumber

    We, as dumbass Americans, do this kind of weird shit constantly. Then we turn around and wonder why people want to blow us up. It's really hard to defend people like Trevor, he probably makes more than me yet he's not smart enough to remember that he needs his keys when he goes and plays tie-up in the desert. But then again, some of the terrorists are pretty dumb as well, so I think we're an even match.

    One of those oh-so-lovable terrorists, Iyman Faris was charged with attempting to bring down the Brooklyn bridge with a handheld blow torch. I don't know if you know how the Bridge is constructed, but I've seen Spiderman at least three times so I'm practically an expert in the area of Brooklyn Bridgeology. Let me explain how the system of load distribution works:

 A) It uses a shitload of cables.

    Now, let's again assume that he gets there with his torch and climbs to the point on the bridge where he can cut the cables. How long does he think that he can stay up there? Eventually a passerby will probably realize that a construction company wouldn't want to be dismantling the bridge while cars are still on it. Also, they just might might figure out that Iyman may not be a properly licensed bridge dismantler. Then, they just maybe-might-probably-hopefully reach the conclusion that he isn't qualified to be taking it apart on his own, and they'd call the cops. This whole plan, unfortunately, relies on people not being as dumb as I think.

Walmart.com Confuses Monkeys and Black People     On a slightly related note of people getting pissed off over dumb stuff: Walmart.com was accidentally linking Planet of the Apes DVDs to DVDs about famous African Americans. Meaning that if you bought any Planet of the Apes stuff, the website automatically recommended black history movies about Tina Turner and Martin Luther King. While this is kind of humorous, there are of course people who can't accept that people that program computers make mistakes, and are actually claiming that Wal-Mart did it on purpose. That's exactly what Wal-Mart wants, another lawsuit. You cracked the code genius.    Also, those suggestion things are just that suggestions. I bought Animal House on Amazon.com and it recommended "The Ku Klux Klan in America" Paperback Edition. And you know what? I didn't sue anyone. It was a miracle from God.

    Of course these are the same people who use fertilizer bombs. You know, that just might be a sign that you're not on the majority's side. If you were in the majority it would seem that you would have the money to afford decent explosives. When you're resorting to making explosives out of shit, you might want to consider a bake sale.

    I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if terrorists were the ones that figured out the fertilizer bomb. One guy, sitting in his cave bored out of his skull lights his fart on fire. "Hey!", he thinks "If I can get enough of this in one place..." Who else would pioneer a bomb that blows you up, then covers your charred corpse with poop? Well, besides evil clowns.
 

Evolution Strikes Again

    Speaking of evil clowns, there's an update on the Georgia case involving the stickers in their textbooks that I reported on a while back. The stickers that were to offer drool protection and bore students into a deep sleep that is necessary for surviving most biology classes have been removed from textbooks. Sensing defeat, the Intelligent Design Militia Group has moved their fight to Pennsylvania.

    In Dover, PN both sides are looking pretty dumb, but in the stupidity wars the Intelligent Design people are always coming in first. Their biggest problem is that they're trying real hard to pretend that ID isn't religious. Lets check these out:
 Christianity - The God created the world.
 Intelligent Design - A God created the world.

    Yeah, that's the same thing. Changing an article (Articles are like "a" "an" or "the" for those of you who had particularly comfy grammar books in High School) in the sentence doesn't remove the religion. If I say "I'm going to beat you with the bat" or "I'm going to beat you with a bat" you're going to get your ass kicked either way.

    Even assuming that Intelligent Design were true then I don't think that we would want to teach it to our children. No wonder we keep creating a population that chains themselves up in the middle of the desert, forgets to make a spare key and argues whether we look like gorillas or not. We're designed from birth to think that an old guy who lives in the sky is watching everything that we do, and now we want to remind ourselves every time we open a book. As Americans, we do lots of weird shit.

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